In the quest to find eternal bliss, I believe I’ve made a grave mistake. I've tried to obtain validation from this society, and in the process, I’ve done what they wanted. In the quest to find infinite freedom and validation, I gave up the only thing that I needed to achieve it. In the quest to find unconditional love and attention, I gave up the only one who could unconditionally love me.
What did I get in return?
corruption.
I often tell my friends that when people ask about me, tell them I had no regrets, but I guess this is one of them. I don’t regret the ultimate result of what happened; it was inevitable. I regret how it happened, when it happened, and why it happened.
I was desperate to find love. I needed to find love. I was depressed, lonely, and without purpose. One day, on the way back from school, it all escaped. All the sadness I had buried deep somewhere escaped. When I reached back home, I had no fear of rejection. I sent a message to a few girls I talked to (barely), and I thought the first one to respond was the one I’ll confess to.
After doing some shenanigans and writing a really long paragraph, it was done. I didn’t like her, yet, but she didn’t either. I would say the entire thing was for ‘timepass’, but that would be a lie.
It only took maybe a week or two for us to like each other. It was my first time experiencing love in over a year, and well, it felt great. I wanted nobody else in the world, well, except Madison Beer (who doesn’t want Madison Beer?). It felt like I was falling in love for the first time in a long time.
I wish I could say that I felt that way for her for a very long time, perhaps a year or two, but sadly, no. This feeling of ‘love’ lasted for maybe one and a half months. So I guess you could say it wasn’t love in the first place.
I also wish I could say the same thing happened for her, but of course, it didn’t. She still wanted to talk to me. She still fought for me. She still did everything in her power to keep the relationship going, or so I thought. I was looking for a reason to leave, because I always kept a promise to myself: I won’t leave a relationship unless my partner makes the same mistake twice.
And she did.
If it were for any other girl, I would leave immediately. But something was special about her. She really did love me, and I knew that. I felt like I had a responsibility to give her love nobody else ever gave or could give her. Eventually, someone convinced me that she would break up with me if I didn’t, so I ended it.
Boom.
I wish I could love her, but I just couldn’t.
I apologise for the way it ended and the way I treated you after, but it was inevitable.
It was destiny.
It was never love.
The only reason I’m writing this is to get it off my conscience. Hopefully, she moves on someday and finds someone better.
(There is going to be a part 2.)
-Dashmehar Singh
how interesting. i can relate to this seeing as one of my greatest fears is falling out of love with someone, and just like you I thought I was in love, but love doesn’t fade so easily.
here’s a toast… to their happiness, not just ours.